jeudi 19 novembre 2009

Dissertation sur le filon de vie d’une journée quotidiennement hebdomadaire


Les nuages flottent, la poussière vole,
Je ne suis pas sure que j’en raffole.
Je bouge les pièces du puzzle éclaté,
Je rassemble les morceaux d’un ensemble éparpillé.
Il me tarde de découvrir le tableau final,
L’oeuvre du moment, l’aurore boréale.
Je parcours le fil de vérité,
Je cherche la vraie parité.
Je ne sais quoi penser,
Devrais-je en rire ou en pleurer?
Des étincelles parsemment cette épopée de jeunesse,
Des rigoles courent le long de cette jetée.
Pourrions nous nous arrêter,
Pour suivre un moment ensemble le trajet?
Je me pose au pieds du chêne
Et lui demande où tout cela mène …
Il me répond de tout son silence,
Qu’il ne faut jamais tout donner à la Chance,
Que la vie a ses mystères
Et que seul le temps les rends éphémères …

C.R 30.06.2004

Exerpt from the Past ... 2004

« Leave me here, alright! », cried out C. « I don’t need you, I don’t need you ... » and then resumed to crying again. Sobs were the only comfort she got from staying alone in her bedroom. It wasn’t even her bedroom, it was someone else’s. Why was she crying? Since she’d come to this place ... no even before then ... since she’d left the other place, she’d sought a new self. Striving to find that other, more mature and confident self, she’d actually sacrificed her real self, in some way, because all the dark things she despised about herself, everything that prompted her to find that ‘other self’ came back in a more forceful way. Some days she’d feel free, liberated, she felt she could surrender everything to Him. Other days, she’d run away far from Him, feeling deep down inside that her dark side was too vast to be able to receive any of His light. In those days she just plunged head first into things she loathed the most. It was bad, she knew it, but she also knew that she wasn’t strong enough to walk away from it all, and therefore suicidely went in as a Kamikaze. She’d grown to realize that with her, it was either all or nothing, which made her a very difficult person to be with. In these few months of ‘independence’, as some would call it, or ‘loneliness’, as she would sometimes be tempted to call it, she’d actually started to subconsciously analyze her behavior. Was she playing her own psychologist? No, she didn’t know, all she was sure of was that somewhere in this silence, she was growing into someone else, someone she didn’t want to be. She looked around to see people who, for some, seem to have a life that was going all for the best, when others, those for whom life wasn’t so much of a blessing, either hid, or went along smiling with the rest of the crowd, too ashamed to admit that they had problems in there life.
Someone had locked her in this place. For what? She didn’t know. To learn what? Only God knew. Indeed. The more she thought about it, the clearer the answer seemed. It was the first step into the waters of her cloudy life, and it already looked like her life was going to be paved with trials, you know, spiritual trials. She felt guilty when she realized that she was fumbling with her ‘existential’ dilemmas, as the crowd would call it, and fellow peers around the world were in the worst possible ‘survival’ problems she could ever imagine! Some were on the verge of dying from hunger, others were in the constant fear of being sexually, drug, or other physically abused ... None of these victims had any choice in their problems, she had a whole panel of opportunities and decisions to make with her own free will, she was just ‘too lost’ for the moment in figuring out at which crossroads she’d come to. Last year she could only have dreamt of being where she was now, but as routine, life and other synonyms waltzed her down the road, she came to realize how vulnerable she really was in deciding what she would become in the future. Oh, there were so many models out there to base one’s every move on! Flip through a magazine and you’d find people galore to model your life on, but where would the ‘genetic uniqueness’ have space to develop itself, if everyone was to copy someone else, we’d all become ‘behavioral clones’! She had dreams as anyone has. She dreamt she could be fashionable; she would have that slim silhouette every girl had. She dreamt that she could fit in and buy all the clothes she thought looked fanciful. She dreamt that a charming prince would step up to her and ask her to date him. But when she came back down to earth, there was always something very unlawful about the whole enterprise. Why was her world, her society putting all this materialistic pressure on its citizens? It was just yesterday, that walking in the streets, she’d seen a 6 or 7 year old girl running around in clothes that were more womanly than what she wore herself! The six year old even had a posh looking handbag over her shoulder! When she thought about it, this society was stealing these children’s youth away, because of models it thought should determine what a person looks like. On one hand she desperately wanted to look more fashionable, and on the other she wanted to run as far away as possible from these fashion clichés who were ruling life in the ‘developed’ world. What was balance? To her, every new day was unclear and therefore a potential threat. She knew to Whom she’d should go to ‘in times of trouble’, but it seem to all come down to something else, something that only she could deal with, something that grabbed her identity, confidence and ‘true’ self away. She felt committed to find out what it was. A beam of sunshine fell at that point on her face. She sighed as she took in the pure warmth of the sun. Why was life not as pure and simple? Every step she now took seemed to require thought and responsibility. It was frightening and when fear prevails, then spontaneity recedes into the shadow of the targeted person. Amongst all these confusing questions arose a passage from a book she once had. The passage was entitled ‘Do You Believe In Yourself? The title itself sounded like the opening to a self-centered scientology meeting. But this was in a Christian book, so what was behind this?
‘Buried away underneath all your imperfections lays your ideal self, the successful, healthy, efficient, charming and attractive self that you could be if all your powers and possibilities were fully developed’. She had to stop and think after this first sentence. It was mind blowing. What she’d started to realize as she lived through these last months, was there, on paper, in letters. She cautiously looked round her empty bedroom. Was she the victim of another ‘Truman Show’ film? But she went back to the text, anxious to know ‘The Recipe’ to finding that imprisoned self.
‘That hidden self waits within you as surely as the oak lies potential within the acorn. It is not an imaginary being. It is you at your highest level, you as God wants you to be’, she lay back. Wasn’t this being a bit pretentious? She gave up her obsessing thoughts and went back to the text.
‘How can this ideal self be realized ?’, she breathed deeply as if in the middle of a thriller, ‘this’ was it, her questions would be answered within a few words.
‘The first essential is to believe in it.’ Oh, no! Her questions were answered by another of her problems.
‘You may have ability, but if you lack faith you surround yourself in a negative atmosphere which is sensed immediately by all with whom you come into contact. The faith that brings results is not the swaggering self-confidence of the egoist, but a quiet plodding faith in your capabilities. If you do not believe in yourself you cannot expect others to have confidence in you, for confidence is infectious, but this is a dangerous doctrine unless it is balanced on the spiritual side by an awareness of your utter dependence upon God. Believe in yourself; not the imperfect self, but the ideal self with all its potentialities, all that you might be, all that you could be’. C. had no more thoughts, no more comments to add to this one. She failed to understand the depth of this message and knew that the meaning would only come to her after a good night’s sleep. So she closed her book, puffed up her pillow and ... melted into a refreshing doziness, which cradled her to sleep. One day she might figure this out, but for the moment she felt too helpless to do anything what so ever, and just receded into her Kamikaze state of mind.

C.R 11.10.2004

A Pocket Full of Lessons

I guess I still haven't learnt the basic lesson in life ...

... Never think you've understood or have managed to capture Love ... before you know it, it will spread its wings and fly away through your fingers.

... Never think you've been close enough to a man that you understand him and he understands you ... before you realize it, he will have retreated back to his selective garden of manhood where you have no place and where you stand alone at the gate of his secret garden, trying to peer in.

... Never ever think you have fathomed the depth of God's message and lesson for your life ... you will quickly see that His Will was quite different from what your limited human spirit could ever conjure up.

... but in all this: let Life rather follow the river bed; do not try to alter its course, rather be patient with it. Let God unravel bit by bit His great plan before you in His own time, not yours. Surrender your wish to keep control of everything that goes on in your life and just settle for an illusion of control ...

... For if you cannot find the strength within yourself to be weak,

... and if you cannot find the pride within yourself to be humble,

... Then you might actually miss Life when it comes knocking at your door with all God's abounding gifts, because you will be tempted in your own human pride and quest for control to send it back, because of its shabby attire.

It all starts right here ... right now ...


C.R 19.11.09

COURAGE



Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace.
The soul that knows it not, knows no release
From little things;

Knows not the livid loneliness of fear
Nor mountain heights, where bitter joy can hate
The sound of wings.

How can life grant us boon of living, compensate
For dull gray ugliness and pregnant hate
Unless we dare

The soul's dominion? Each time we make a choice, we pay
With courage to behold resistless day
And count it fair.

by AMELIA EARHART

mercredi 8 avril 2009

I have to write ...

Spring has knocked at the door
Winter has wrapped up and finished his chore.
Passion and butterflies are in the air
But will they last or flare
Away into the shining sun?

I can’t quite make out what I’m feeling now
I seem to go through periods again
Where you are so present and then silent.
I actually invent reasons why you might be fake
You can’t be real, it can’t all be as I feel it!

I fear you will lose interest all too soon,
Or maybe the small distance will be insurmountable to you.
I have had oceans and mountains separate
Me from Love in the past
So these green pastures between us seem like nothing to me right now.

In either way I’m sure something will pull you away
It’s all so surreal
It’s all confusing in a way.

I’d rather deep down for this to have been just a dream
Than to realise all too soon that I haven’t been enough for you …
If I’m not enough now … to you …
Then when will I ever be … and to whom?

Please don’t take me for a ride
My heart is like me, it’s not fond of horseback
I don’t think I can take any less
Or be twisted in some pride …

I have the writing bug, I know
But I can also talk in real life without the show.
I want to discover what you are like,
I want to be a better person for you, you know?

I’m not a woman inside, but I can become her.
I’m not an Amazon, although I’m sure that would tempt you.
I’m not an angel, but I’ll try flapping my wings for you.
I’m way off being perfect, but does it matter too?

I wish I could know all your desires
And answer them in a second.
I wish I could touch your spirit
And melt and make one with it.
I wish I wasn’t afraid of making mistakes
And remained confident through thin and thick,
But that wouldn’t be true
And Truth is what carries Love on this River I endeavour to follow …


I know this will find a way to you,
I’ve let it do so …
Maybe then you’ll realise a little more about what goes on
In this big, tough, sporty French person you want to get to know …


C.R 08/04/09

samedi 24 janvier 2009

2009

It isn't without a certain tingling feeling in my head that I embarked into 2009 ... As little or as much as the New Year means to each one of us, how could one not grasp this symbolic "start" to a new year to review one's motives, goals, aspirations, etc ... How could one not "hope for hope"? How could one not collect every bit of positivity within one's self, hop onto a wooden boat and set sail for the unimaginable, unfathomable, exhilirating ... Horizon?!
I always start the new year with a certain blind naïvety, just like a child hopping and skipping into school. Then as January trickles through, I sober up, and start realising that however grand my new year ideas were on the 1st of January, Reality is and will always be there to bring them back down with a "Slam bam!". I usually am sober and practically "depressed" by the time the end of January comes, as though January was always meant to be "The Month of Anti-climaxes" and conflicting emotions. Having said that, I still don't regret the initial trampoline jump I make every 31st December - 1st January ... it's refreshing to experience those few moments of pure, innocent, naïve joy ... to push back ANY cloud of crude reality ... to bathe in the ambient temperatures of plenitude ...
This year obviously comes with fears for the economic future ... with the crisis hitting the USA and UK very hard ... despite having a job for the moment, I fear not being able to have the freedom to change jobs ... and yet I feel I am slowly dying from the inside in this job where stress, bad communication, individualism, and back stabbing are daily routine ... There is no camaradery, no team spirit, no appreciation of everyone's job ... Lastly, this feels like a slave job to perform data quality control for the Pharmaceutical Ogre companies ... These aren't working to "find the cure for cancer"! Their ultimate goal is to find THE drug that will have a sufficiently strong p-value to outdo ANY other drug on the market and give them the monopole of the market!!! They couldn't care less about Mr. X who suddenly found out he had 6 months to live, or little girl Y who was diagnosed with Leukaemia! I can't be part of this frenzy! At our level it's not even anything to do with "medical progress" it's pure pro-duc-tivity! Review as many hospitals and data as possible in the shortest time possible! In short: "Give-me-data!". I have therefore come to the conclusion that after a year in this job, I am not made for this. I need to be closer to people ... actively helping them to achieve better health.
And then, I have this "dream", this calling inside of me which has been knocking at my spirit every year for 3-4 years now ... calling me to embark on a journey across the world ... Discover different cultures and mix this adventure to an inner calling to discover myself, my true essence ... which is locked up in this society of conventions and prejudice ... I need to liberate myself and do this pilgrimage ... And funnily enough, I realise that this may be the year where I need to do this ... I don't know what job to go to next, yet I need to leave this job soon, and the world is in recession, so money-making is not going to be for this year anyway! Why not take 6 months of this crazy-money-focused-world today???! I need to open my world map in front of me, draw out my journey, research it, make a last call out to friends who would be interested in sharing part of "The Walk" with me and then pack my bag and go ... follow my instinct and calling towards the unknown.
Will this be the year where I put into action my ideas and calling? or will it be another year where I sit back and wait for some devine knock on the head to wake up?!
We'll see ...

mardi 2 septembre 2008

One year ...

Wow, I can't believe it will soon be a year since I arrived back in the UK. I came a whole pack of uncertainties as to what the future would be made of ... and now, I'm finally deciding to "settle down" in this country that is the UK. It's a weird sensation, that of stopping the "nomad" lifestyle, the search of faraway lands and people ... I've put a halt to it ... for now ... so I can try and make room in my life for "someone" (if anyone knows the identity of that "someone" will they write me a post? :) ). I guess there's a time in your life where you either zoom past that crossroad and look back later with regret or ... you stop, take the time to look right and left and think, hmmm ... maybe I'll slow down at this intersection and take the time to make room for "the unknown". That's what I intend to do for now ... take it one knotch down and endeavour to "enjoy the ride", rather than trying to find and move to a "greater ride"!