I have to write ...

Spring has knocked at the door
Winter has wrapped up and finished his chore.
Passion and butterflies are in the air
But will they last or flare
Away into the shining sun?

I can’t quite make out what I’m feeling now
I seem to go through periods again
Where you are so present and then silent.
I actually invent reasons why you might be fake
You can’t be real, it can’t all be as I feel it!

I fear you will lose interest all too soon,
Or maybe the small distance will be insurmountable to you.
I have had oceans and mountains separate
Me from Love in the past
So these green pastures between us seem like nothing to me right now.

In either way I’m sure something will pull you away
It’s all so surreal
It’s all confusing in a way.

I’d rather deep down for this to have been just a dream
Than to realise all too soon that I haven’t been enough for you …
If I’m not enough now … to you …
Then when will I ever be … and to whom?

Please don’t take me for a ride
My heart is like me, it’s not fond of horseback
I don’t think I can take any less
Or be twisted in some pride …

I have the writing bug, I know
But I can also talk in real life without the show.
I want to discover what you are like,
I want to be a better person for you, you know?

I’m not a woman inside, but I can become her.
I’m not an Amazon, although I’m sure that would tempt you.
I’m not an angel, but I’ll try flapping my wings for you.
I’m way off being perfect, but does it matter too?

I wish I could know all your desires
And answer them in a second.
I wish I could touch your spirit
And melt and make one with it.
I wish I wasn’t afraid of making mistakes
And remained confident through thin and thick,
But that wouldn’t be true
And Truth is what carries Love on this River I endeavour to follow …


I know this will find a way to you,
I’ve let it do so …
Maybe then you’ll realise a little more about what goes on
In this big, tough, sporty French person you want to get to know …


C.R 08/04/09

2009

It isn't without a certain tingling feeling in my head that I embarked into 2009 ... As little or as much as the New Year means to each one of us, how could one not grasp this symbolic "start" to a new year to review one's motives, goals, aspirations, etc ... How could one not "hope for hope"? How could one not collect every bit of positivity within one's self, hop onto a wooden boat and set sail for the unimaginable, unfathomable, exhilirating ... Horizon?!
I always start the new year with a certain blind naïvety, just like a child hopping and skipping into school. Then as January trickles through, I sober up, and start realising that however grand my new year ideas were on the 1st of January, Reality is and will always be there to bring them back down with a "Slam bam!". I usually am sober and practically "depressed" by the time the end of January comes, as though January was always meant to be "The Month of Anti-climaxes" and conflicting emotions. Having said that, I still don't regret the initial trampoline jump I make every 31st December - 1st January ... it's refreshing to experience those few moments of pure, innocent, naïve joy ... to push back ANY cloud of crude reality ... to bathe in the ambient temperatures of plenitude ...
This year obviously comes with fears for the economic future ... with the crisis hitting the USA and UK very hard ... despite having a job for the moment, I fear not being able to have the freedom to change jobs ... and yet I feel I am slowly dying from the inside in this job where stress, bad communication, individualism, and back stabbing are daily routine ... There is no camaradery, no team spirit, no appreciation of everyone's job ... Lastly, this feels like a slave job to perform data quality control for the Pharmaceutical Ogre companies ... These aren't working to "find the cure for cancer"! Their ultimate goal is to find THE drug that will have a sufficiently strong p-value to outdo ANY other drug on the market and give them the monopole of the market!!! They couldn't care less about Mr. X who suddenly found out he had 6 months to live, or little girl Y who was diagnosed with Leukaemia! I can't be part of this frenzy! At our level it's not even anything to do with "medical progress" it's pure pro-duc-tivity! Review as many hospitals and data as possible in the shortest time possible! In short: "Give-me-data!". I have therefore come to the conclusion that after a year in this job, I am not made for this. I need to be closer to people ... actively helping them to achieve better health.
And then, I have this "dream", this calling inside of me which has been knocking at my spirit every year for 3-4 years now ... calling me to embark on a journey across the world ... Discover different cultures and mix this adventure to an inner calling to discover myself, my true essence ... which is locked up in this society of conventions and prejudice ... I need to liberate myself and do this pilgrimage ... And funnily enough, I realise that this may be the year where I need to do this ... I don't know what job to go to next, yet I need to leave this job soon, and the world is in recession, so money-making is not going to be for this year anyway! Why not take 6 months of this crazy-money-focused-world today???! I need to open my world map in front of me, draw out my journey, research it, make a last call out to friends who would be interested in sharing part of "The Walk" with me and then pack my bag and go ... follow my instinct and calling towards the unknown.
Will this be the year where I put into action my ideas and calling? or will it be another year where I sit back and wait for some devine knock on the head to wake up?!
We'll see ...

One year ...

Wow, I can't believe it will soon be a year since I arrived back in the UK. I came a whole pack of uncertainties as to what the future would be made of ... and now, I'm finally deciding to "settle down" in this country that is the UK. It's a weird sensation, that of stopping the "nomad" lifestyle, the search of faraway lands and people ... I've put a halt to it ... for now ... so I can try and make room in my life for "someone" (if anyone knows the identity of that "someone" will they write me a post? :) ). I guess there's a time in your life where you either zoom past that crossroad and look back later with regret or ... you stop, take the time to look right and left and think, hmmm ... maybe I'll slow down at this intersection and take the time to make room for "the unknown". That's what I intend to do for now ... take it one knotch down and endeavour to "enjoy the ride", rather than trying to find and move to a "greater ride"!

What is our purpose in life?

A frequent question that comes to mind ...

... most people just brush it off saying that "humans often spend their lifetime trying to figure it out" ... I seem to realise that it is becoming impossible for me to decide about future steps to take without "having a purpose" ... Is the purpose in life to have the latest mobile? be the fittest? be the richest? travel the whole world? have the most brilliant spouse and kids? ... to survive the longest? At this point in time I just feel I have no purpose in this world ... if I look at my life I'm just working to ... work. I'm not even working to feed someone else ... the money I earn will propably be selfishly spent into travels for my own pleasure, and maybe clothes, and what else? ... the essence of life is so fragile and I seem to be "missing the point" ... I guess for couples the question is more easily answered; at least you can "live for the other person", live to make the other one happy ... I can't even claim to be doing that ... Our society is so use to living a selfish life for ourselves ... and yet there are SO MANY things out there that need "fixing"!!!

If anyone out there figures out our purpose in life, please give me a shout! Thanks!

"What's Up?" by 4 Non Blondes (retro still has it!)

Twenty - five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
And I realized quickly when I knew I should
That the world was made up of this brotherhood of man
For whatever that meansAnd so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bedJust to get it all out
What's in my headAnd I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morningAnd I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream at the top of my lungs
What's going on?
And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?
Ooh, ooh ooh
And I try, oh my god do I try
I try all the time, in this institution
And I pray, oh my god do I pray
I pray every single day
For a revolution
And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream at the top of my lungs
What's going on?
And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?
Twenty - five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination

Thanks for finding the words of the moment, girls!

How I will be starting my 2008 …

First I’ll turn up the volume of the hi-fi and dance and hop around to “Walking on Sunshine” by Katrina and the …………. ! Whilst I do that, I’ll close my eyes and jump with joy at all the thoughts and souvenirs of 2007 … the sunny Dutch Spring, the excitement at going to tropical Curaçao for work, the adventure in Central China, the crazy moments shared with my sister, the passion and fun of the new friends, the moments of love that punctuated different moments of 2007 … And as I’m remembering all this I will be filled with a sense of being alive … I’ll feel thankful for being well and healthy and being able to dance, prance and skip like this …

Then I’ll go out for a cycle ride in the green fields that are in Switzerland just around where I live … I’ll cycle in the fresh air, with the lovely sun of this 31st of December shining down … and I’ll smile and be grateful for being surrounded by a complete and loving family …

I’ll lie on my bed and put “Sister” by Sarah Bettens … My own sister sent me this song one day … I must listen to it again … just to revel in the special relationship that unites us both. I wouldn’t be anyone without my own sister … she is like a twin, she is my other half in a way … 2008 will belong partly to her … While I listen to this song, I know I will be smiling with a small tear running down my cheek … I will reminisce the crazy moments, the complicité, the sadder moments, and the reunions … Be happy, sister.

The MP3 player will suddenly switch to “Apologize” Timbaland ft. One Republic … OK, I’m taking the Top Hits of the year?! Yes, but this one always evokes something in me … it should NEVER be too late to apologize … We are one nation, one people! Life is too short to live it whilst keeping a grudge against someone! Shake it off! What’s the point? Ask yourself that?! Someone has failed you?! So? Have you never ever failed anyone?! Someone has hurt you?! Was it intentional?! An accident?! Move on! Easier said than done … I know … I’m writing this only to remind myself of this whenever I come across this in 2008 …

I’ll sneakily slip “Overpowered” by Roisin Murphy into the music player and I’ll dreamily look up at the starry night and let my senses escape into the Night … “a chemical reason (…) alien feelings we have to accept …” … why should we deny ourselves our senses … liberate every neuron of your body!

That moment that always creeps up on someone during Christmas and New Year’s Eve generates nostalgia and a certain fear … a fear of not being ‘prepared’ for the coming year …. Then I’ll play “Go” by Sarah Bettens … “This is when the wall comes down, this is when I give myself to every inch of me that says it’s time to go … Here I go, say goodbye to everything I know. Here I go … I have to do this on my own … On the edge of everything, the start, the end, the in between, but somewhere through my fear I know I’m fine … Nothing like the way it’s been, an open door I’ve never seen and I can’t help but wonder what’s inside …”. 2008 is going to be the year I trust … I am going to step into it without knowing anything of what it’s going to hold, and funnily enough … I like that side of it. Several years ago, I would have freaked out, I would have had to plan the whole year, to “know” … but now … I just “live” and “trust” … what will come, will come … I know the way I want to follow and I know I want to make this Life a good one. 2008 will be part of that “Good Life”, or at least, that’s how I will set out.

“Leef” by Sarah Bettens again will set the rhythm for how I step into the New Year … living and always believing … that Life is good, and is worth giving it your best … it deserves your heart, not your fist …

Finally, when the countdown is within counting distance, I’ll close 2007 with a little song from Shrek’s soundtrack, “Send Me On My Way” by Rusted Root. This song with African drums and sounds of native humanity will send me on my way … to 2008! I’ll go back to the simple human I am, and I’ll wave goodbye to 2007 with thankfulness and then walk confidently into 2008, with a smile on my face, Hope in my head and Love beating strong in my heart …

How will you live your last day of 2007 and welcome 2008? ;)

Castaway - Benny Benassi

I’m wondering alone in an open space
Looking around for a human trace
Along the edge of this satellite
Loosing the root in this empty sky
A prey of the ghosts of this galaxy
Losing myself in this ecstasy
No clock is turning to sign the time
Everything’s flowing through day and night
No noise is breaking my silent star
I’m on the run I can go so far
Flying in absence of gravity
Feeling the vibe of eternity
This is the lesson I had to learn
This is the treasure I had to earn
I am the owner in nowhere land
Queen of the castle that’s made of sand
Staring in front of the universe
Maybe someday I’ll be somewhere else
I’m sure I’ll do it, but till’ that day
Here on my cell I am just a castaway
I’m wondering alone in an open space
Looking around for a human trace
Along the edge of this satellite
Loosing the root in this empty sky
A prey of the ghosts of the galaxy
Losing myself in this ecstasy
No clock is turning to sign the time
Everything’s flowing through day and night
No noise is breaking my silent star
I’m on the run I can go so far
Flying in absence of gravity
Feeling the vibe of eternity
This is the lesson I had to learn
This is the treasure I had to earn
I am the owner in nowhere land
Queen of the castle that’s made of sand
Staring in front of the universe
Maybe someday I’ll be somewhere else
I’m sure I’ll do it, but till’ that day
Here on my cell I am just a castaway ...

... (for how long ? ...)